If I Had Only Known
by Nicole Berman
Summary: What would you do differently, if you could? (Spoilers up to “Family Secrets”.)


"If I'd only known," Harriet murmured, tears springing to her eyes. "I would've done everything differently, I swear it. I would've told the doctor everything, and my Sarah..." She couldn't finish the sentence as her tears spilled over, wetting her cheeks. "It's my fault."  
  
Mac tenderly squeezed Harriet's hand. "It's not your fault," she corrected the younger woman firmly. "You said it yourself. If you had known that telling the truth would've changed everything, you would've done it. You had no way of knowing your history would affect Sarah's delivery, Harriet." Her tone was soothing. "Sarah's gone, honey, and no amount of guilt or blame will bring her back," Mac murmured as gently as possible.  
  
Flinching, Harriet nodded sadly. "I know. But I can't help blaming myself."  
  
"Yes, you can. And you have to stop soon, Harriet. You're only hurting yourself, you're not helping anyone with this self-destructive attitude." Mac's voice grew more firm with each word. "I've told you once and I'll tell you again. They don't let wusses in the Navy. You're a strong woman, and if you take that strength and use it, you can survive anything."  
  
Harriet looked up at Mac, her blue eyes brimming with fresh tears. "I never got to tell her I loved her."  
  
"She knew," Mac whispered, reaching out to hug her friend. "She knew."  
  
"How could she? I kept wishing the pregnancy away. I was so tired, with AJ and keeping the house together, I was just biding my time until it was over. I wish I'd cherished every second, like I did with AJ. I wish to God I'd listened to her heartbeat more. I wish I'd sung to her." Harriet broke down, the tears flowing unchecked now. "I wish I'd talked to her more. I wish I'd appreciated every kick and every little hiccup. I wish I could remember what she felt like." Her hand automatically dropped to her belly, as Harriet cried softly. "I can't remember her, Mac. It's only been a month since she.... And I can't remember what it felt like to have her inside me. I'm forgetting her already."  
  
Mac shook her head slightly, rubbing Harriet's back in small circles. "No," she murmured. "She's your daughter. You won't ever forget her." She sighed softly, wishing that she could stop the pain for one of her best friends. "And if you start to, all you have to do is look at Bud. I bet she had his eyes."  
  
Smiling through her tears, Harriet nodded. "She had his nose," she said, reaching for a box of tissues. "And his mouth."  
  
"She's somewhere better," Mac said, trying to convince herself as much as Harriet. "Maybe she's even an angel of some kind, watching out for her Momma and Daddy and big brother."  
  
"Maybe." Harriet sighed softly, the flow of tears slowing. "I know one thing for sure. I won't wish a single second away, ever again. No matter what, I'm going to enjoy each and every moment."  
  
"Maybe that's why Sarah was in your life, even if it was only for eight months. She came to remind you of what you have." Mac forced back the lump in her throat. "Her job was to teach us not to take anything for granted."  
  
Nodding slowly, Harriet brushed away the tears that lingered on her cheeks. "You really think she knew I loved her?"  
  
"Without a doubt."  
  
"I wish I hadn't taken her for granted," Harriet murmured. "If I had only known..."  
  
THE END

  
LYRICS: "If I Had Only Known" by Reba McEntire  
  
If I had only known it was the last walk in the rain, I'd keep you out for hours in the storm. I would hold your hand like a lifeline to my heart. Underneath the thunder, we'd be warm. If I had only known it was the last walk in the rain.  
  
If I had only known I'd never hear your voice again, I'd memorize each thing you ever said. And on those lonely nights, I could think of them once more, and keep your words alive inside my head. If I had only known I'd never hear your voice again.  
  
You were the treasure in my hands, you were the one who always stood beside me. So unaware, I foolishly believed that you would always be there. But then there came a day, and I turned my head, and you slipped away.  
  
If I had only known it was my last night by your side, I'd pray a miracle to stop the dawn. And when you smiled at me, I would look into your eyes and make sure you know my love for you goes on and on. If I had only known ... If I had only known ... Oh, the love I would've shown, if I had only known.


End file.
